The Body Knows Before The Mind Does

Stop Being Good: Listening to Your Body, Finding Your Voice

Many of us became “good” long before we became confident

We learned to read the room.

To smooth things over and apologise quickly, even if we weren’t at fault, it was just easier that way to keep the peace. 

And of course, we learned not take up too much space.

We intelligently understood that being agreeable often meant being accepted.

For many of us, that role became second nature.

But somewhere along the way, in being so attuned to everyone else, we stopped listening to ourselves.

Our "no " , our anger, our own desires and our  impulses.

We became calm on the outside, but disconnected on the inside, and calm is not the same as aligned

The Body Knows Before the Mind Does

One of the things I’ve learned is that the body often knows long before we allow ourselves to acknowledge it.

It tightens in certain conversations, and exhales in relief when something feels right.

It leans forward with curiosity, and it pulls back with quiet resistance.

Need proof? Just watch yourself when next in a conversation with your boss or disagreeing with someone, but trying to keep the peace. 

These reactions are not inconveniences though, they are information.

For years, I overrode those signals. I trusted other people’s opinions over my own sensations. I told myself I was being mature, kind, reasonable.

But , I was silencing myself, and that came with a cost, anxiety, worry, illness, insomnia, food restriction, tense jaw, tight shoulders, painful hips, sore throat.

Confidence Is Not Performance

Voice does not begin in the throat. It begins in sensation. 
We often think confidence means speaking louder, being bolder, becoming someone different, but what if confidence is much quieter than that?

What if confidence is:

• Pausing before you say yes.

• Noticing the flicker of discomfort as if it is an old friend , and not shutting the door in its face. 

• Allow yourself to change your mind, it’s ok to disappoint another grown up, they can take it, and if they can’t, they aren’t your people to be hanging around with. 

• Honouring a no , without explaining it away. I was the queen of explaining myself until I realised it was a people pleasing trait . It took a while to understand that and rewire my habitual responses but now , its freeing to not explain myself .

Confidence isn’t performance.

It’s trust, and that trust is built slowly, gently, through repetition.

How Photography Helps

This might sound surprising, but photography has become one of the most powerful ways I practise this.

Not perfect or impressive photography, not competition winners or millions of likes. 

Just noticing.

When I practise photography, I don’t go looking for something spectacular. I pay attention to what draws me

Bubbles in the kitchen sink

The texture of the poached eggs on toast

The curve of a handle of a spoon 

Raindrops on the window

I have learned follow small impulses.

If something catches my eye, I don’t argue with it. I don’t ask whether it’s “good enough.” I simply notice, frame it, and let it be.

That simple act of following what draws me without justification , is a quiet rebellion against the good girl.

It strengthens an inner muscle: I can trust what I notice and that’s ok, because I’m not letting myself down. 

The Difference Between Calm and Compliance

For many of us,  especially those who learned early to be quiet and easy going, calm can look like compliance.

We smile

We nod

We say it’s fine

But inside, something tightens, your body knows the difference.

When we slow down , even for one breath, one photo, one pause ,  we begin to sense which is which.

You Don’t Have to Become Someone New

This work is not about rejecting the good person we think we should be with anger or shame.

This is about gently widening the space inside you.

• Letting anger be information instead of something to suppress

• Letting impulses be clues instead of inconveniences

• Letting your body be wise

You don’t have to become louder or become someone new. You simply have to stop overriding the person you already are.

A Gentle Invitation

If you recognise yourself in these words as you read them,  if you’re tired of always being agreeable, always being easy, always being the one who smooths things over , I’m sorry to say that you’re not alone.

Listening to yourself again doesn’t require a dramatic life change though, which is a relief. 

It begins with:

One pause

One moment of noticing

One image that feels true to you with no explanation required. 

Because your voice was never gone.

It was just waiting for you to listen.

Mel