The Only Thing I Could Control

As a child I couldn't control what was happening around me, so I found something I could control.

Food

I was tired often as a child, I ate very little and was, what we call, a " fussy eater". 

By the time I was 10, I was anaemic and the Dr has prescribed big red iron tablets.

Looking back now, I can see that food was not really the thing I was trying to control.

I was trying to find some control in a life where I had very little of it

At that age, I did not have the words for the abuse from my dad to vocalise it, because of the guilt and shame. I couldn't understand what was happening to me or why I felt the way I did

I just knew that food was something I could say yes or no to

Those patterns stayed with me for a long time, the restriction, the denial, refusal to try new things

It wasn't until I was in my 40's that I began to approach myself differently. I started meditation, began paying attention to what, my body needed rather than continually overriding it

And slowly, I started doing some very ordinary things

10 minutes of meditation before getting up and again in bed in the evening. 

30 - 60 minute walk every day, with no distractions, paying attention, being aware in the moment. 

Being in bed when I feel tired, 9 - 9.30pm, not waiting because its usually 10 pm when most people go to bed. 

Gentle movement, somatic practice 3 - 4 times a week combining it with breathwork. 

And, perhaps, most importantly, I learned to eat, to try new things, to say yes, to discover the taste and texture of food again. 

To learn when I felt full, to trust myself, and go gently. 

I have more energy now, to walk, to swim, to play, to wander with my camera. 

As a child I used food to create a little control when I had so little control over my life at home because of my dad. 

As an adult I have been learning that I don't need to control myself so tightly. I can let go of the tension and the gripping in my gut that came with that identity of not feeling safe. 

I eventually learned to stop doing what I thought I should be doing and began to listen to what I actually felt, saw, and needed. 

This runs into photography as well, learning to not fall into the pattern of not taking photos for the room, but for me.

Mel