“There is no greater crime than desire” - Lao Tzu. Tao Te Ching

Why Calm Feels So Hard In Midlife ( & Why It's Not Your Fault)

If your mind feels busy even when your body is still, you are not imagining it.

Many midlife women I speak to describe the same quiet struggle, a mind that won't switch off, a constant sense of being on edge, tiredness that rest doesn't quite touch

You might be getting through your days, doing what needs to be done, but underneath it all theres a feeling of being stretched thin, scattered, or disconnected from yourself.

And often, theres a subtle worry that something is wrong.

But here's what I want you to hear gently..and something I wish someone had said to me many years ago

This isn't a personal failing

Its a nervous system that has been holding a lot, for a very long time.

And I speak here from my heart and from my own lived experiences, since being a child.

The invisible load of midlife

Midlife arrives with layers most of us were never prepared for. Caring for children, partners, parents, and worrying about health, theirs, and our own. Carrying this emotional load and responsibility at work, and at home is exhausting, being the one that others lean on can be, and often is, just tiring.

Add to that, a world that feels louder, faster, and more demanding than ever, and its no wonder your system feels overloaded.

Many women tell me they feel guilty for wanting rest, I did!

It's as if we feel that slowing down means failing, giving up, it's as if we are admitting we cannot cope, and that's a hard one to admit because we could be people pleasers and perfectionists under all those layers of coping.

Over time though, this can look like a busy mind, shallow breathing, poor sleep, digestive issues ( IBS anyone? ) or a constant sense of low level anxiety.

I have found that thinking our way out of this rarely works, not because we are doing it wrong, but because the body doesn't respond to logic!

It responds to signals of safety...

This is why relaxing can feel impossible, the system doesn't yet believe its safe enough to let go, and thats not your fault!

Over the years, maybe since being little, it's built coping mechanisms if safety was often challenged.

If energy feels low, tolerance is thin, the need for quiet and stillness is stronger than it used to be.

This is not a decline in our abilities or who we are as a human being, its wisdom.

When I reframe this as wisdom, it makes me smile, always, because it truly is being wise.

How Mindful Photography Found Me

I didn't come to it looking for a solution, I wasn't trying to fix myself.

What I noticed , almost accidentally, was that when I slowed down enough to look, really look - light on a wall, bubbles in the sink, a plants shadow on the kitchen cupboards , the shape of something ordinary like a plug or a coffee cup - my breath softened, and my mind felt clear, as if it had been washed out, cleaned, and all those worrying thoughts were not at the front of my mind anymore.

My shoulders had dropped, my toes were soft, my hips felt more open, my jaw had softened.

Even my tight pelvic floor found the space to feel safe and comforted.

My attention had moved out of my head and into the moment I was in.

I wasn't trying to be calm, I was just noticing.

And in those moments, my nervous system got a quiet message which was something like this:

" you are safe right now"

Mindful Photography isn't about taking good photos.

Its about resting your attention somewhere gentle, without pressure, or performance,, its one of the simplest I know to invite the body into a slower rhythm.

A Tiny Pause You Can Try Now

If it feels ok, try this, no fixing, no effort:

Look around you, the space you are in, without feeling you need to be elsewhere

Notice one soft thing.

It might be light, or a colour, or a texture.

Maybe its something simple, noticing simplicity.

Stay with it for a few breaths, notice sounds around you close your eyes if it feels safe to do so.

If you like, take a photo, not to share, not for likes, just a way of staying with the moment a little longer.

I tend to blend simple somatic movements into my mindful photography sessions, and there is this one I love for its simplicity, as it helps you not only slow down the breath, but open up some space in the hips, a place us midlife women often hold our unsaid emotions, you can try it here

You Don't Need To Do More

If you are feeling tired, overwhelmed, or disconnected, you don't need another thing on your list, you don't need to try harder or become better at coping.

You may simply need moments of safety, sprinkled gently through your days.

Moments where your body can exhale, where your attention can rest,. where you remember what it feels like to be here.

If this resonated, I share a gentle reflections and simple calming practice like this in my newsletter.

You are welcome to join it if it feels supportive for you.

And if not, then maybe reading this helped you pause for a moment.

This season especially, as I write this in the depths of January amidst being snowed in, this season is asking for kindness.

Mel

If my work resonates, and you would love to support my writings, you are invited to please donate here

Ready to dip your toe in? A gentle 7 days of tiny pauses could be just right, think of it like an appetiser. You can find out more here

The link to that lovely relaxing , no effort, enjoyable and effective 7 minute release in your hips is here