Are You Living Your Life — or Surviving It?

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself:

• Do I really know who I am?

• Am I doing things just to be liked or accepted?

• Do I ignore my own needs to keep the peace or make others happy?

If you’re a woman in midlife recovering from childhood trauma or abuse, these questions may feel uncomfortably familiar.

For many years, I didn’t realise I was a people pleaser. I thought I was simply being kind, helpful, and good. And in many ways, I was. But what I didn’t see at the time was that I had learned—very early on—that my needs didn’t matter.

That belief didn’t come from nowhere. It came from growing up in an environment where I had to stay quiet, small, and alert in order to feel safe.

When You Learn to Ignore Yourself

When we grow up in unsafe or controlling homes, we often learn to survive by disconnecting from ourselves. Over time, this becomes so normal that we don’t even notice we’re doing it.

We stop listening to our body’s quiet signals:

• thirst

• hunger

• fatigue

• the need for rest

• the desire to move, create, or simply be

We push everything down

And when our needs are ignored for long enough, they don’t disappear — they settle into the body.

For me, this showed up as:

• anxiety and overthinking

• sudden rage

• exhaustion

• low self-esteem

• second-guessing ...everything!

• playing small so I took up less space

• not trusting myself

These are not personal failures.

Its possible that they could be trauma responses.

1. Gently Learning to Listen Again

Listening to your needs isn’t selfish — it’s a form of healing.

If you’ve spent a lifetime not listening to yourself, this isn’t something you “fix” overnight. It’s a gentle daily practice. One that requires patience, compassion, and kindness.

When you begin to listen to yourself, something powerful happens:

• You start to feel safer in your own body

• You become more present

• You can show up for others without abandoning yourself

Healing doesn’t mean becoming someone new.
It means coming home to who you already are.

2. Being Kinder to Your Inner World

A simple place to begin is with your body.

Place one hand on your chest.
Notice your breath moving in and out — no need to change it.

Just notice.

Then gently tell yourself:

“I’m here with you.”
“I can help you feel calm.”
“You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”

This may feel strange at first — especially if you were never spoken to kindly as a child.

But this is how safety is rebuilt, one moment at a time.

I teach these gentle awareness practices in my online work because they help retrain the nervous system to feel safe again.

I have a gentle lesson here, on breathing into the upper body, have a listen and practice if it feels right for you

3. Not Running Away From Yourself

Many trauma survivors stay busy to avoid feeling.

This can look like:

• constant productivity to avoid feeling like a failure

• intense exercise, keep on pushing

• always helping others, people pleasing.

• never slowing down because it feels lazy

And while movement and activity can be healthy, the question is :

When you stop doing… are you comfortable just being with yourself?

If illness, injury, or age slowed you down — would you still be kind to yourself?

The Body Holds the Truth

Joy, grief, fear, pain — they all live in the body.

When we ignore our sensations, we ignore our needs.
When we listen, life slowly opens up.

We begin to notice:

• colours

• details

• shapes

• moments of beauty we once rushed past

We stop chasing validation and start experiencing life as it actually is. Thats one of the reasons I adore mindful photography. It helped to see and be grateful for the small everyday things in everyday life.

My free guide can be found here so you could also try this today.

Coming Home to Yourself

Learning to honour your needs — especially after childhood trauma — is a profound act of courage.

This path isn’t about perfection.
It’s about unlearning what never belonged to you.

Each small step matters.
Each pause is meaningful.
Each moment of self-trust is healing.

This is a lifelong journey — one that can feel tender, surprising, and deeply rewarding.

The lessons are in the unlearning.
The letting go.
The remembering of who you were before you learned to disappear.

And slowly, gently, you begin to believe:

I’ve got this.
I believe in myself.

—

Mel Collie
Reformed people pleaser 🌿
Trauma-aware guide for women finding their way home to themselves

P.S. If you wish to delve deeper I can help in 2 ways, one with mindful photography and the other passionI have is helping midlife women move without pain and feel confident in their bodies again

The links for both courses I teach are below, please feel free to join, ask questions and work together in some way :

Mindful Photography Gentle Guide can be found here

Gentle Pilates for Beginners can be found here